What Is Your New Year’s Resolution?
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
~ John 8: 32 ~
It is that time of year,
When one is asked such things
As what will be your New Year resolution
The chatter begins
Some are quite certain of what they desire to achieve
Others give those grandiose answers that everyone
Including them
Know will forever be out of reach
And then there are the few who indeed have no idea
Of what they should resolve to accomplish in the coming year
As I listened to them speak
I mentally stepped away from the conversation
I knew how I wanted to answer
But did not see a path to resolving my resolution
Thus I ponder for a few minutes
Before I finally speak
I want to leave behind my sorrow
I say
There is no response
There are also no questions
Apparently no one wants to know what my sorrow is
So be it
You do not need to know or care
But voicing my desire feels empowering
Somehow the truth always leads to strength
The days pass
I keep thinking about my resolution
The one that seems to have no path to resolve
My sorrow grows heavier
And I feel more hopeless
But I continue marching forward
As that is who I am
And who I must be,
There must be path to saying goodbye to sorrow
The merriment of the moment has passed
I am alone with my thoughts
And as I stand at the door
Looking out
I see the world being bathed in snow
Tomorrow
I tell myself
I shall think this beautiful
I am sure
But tonight the blinding snow carries me away
Back to the darkest night of my life
To the moment when sorrow was branded on my soul
And I remember . . .
It had been hours
which had turned into days
I kissed her and said I love you
I am going to go shower and change
But I will be back very soon
She told me okay
Go
be safe
And hurry back
Then she told me that she loved me too
I remember and thank God
I got to hear those words one more time
I thank God I did not leave that night
Before she told me that she loved me
She was still there when I left
Still present
Still in my life
I cannot help but think these years later that
I should not have gone
I should have stayed
I should have known
That they were not telling me the truth
But why would I have suspected that of them
There had been questionable behavior
But somehow it was always explained away
Give them the benefit of the doubt
I tried
I too wanted peace
I knew she wanted peace
And I wanted to give her what she wanted
We drove quickly
And made our way back
Without delay
I never imagined the scene I saw
When I walked back into the room
She was silent
Almost as if she were no longer present
What had happened to her I asked
They both looked at me
Then at each other
What do you mean one or the other said
I said look at her
Why isn’t she waking up
Why will she not speak
She is tired they said
I did not understand
I still do not understand
I saw them with a syringe
I did not understand
As I began to feel more desperate
What are you doing I asked
They would not answer
As they dipped the needle into the vile of poison
What are you doing
I asked again
They answered that she was in pain
How could she be in pain
I asked
Look at her
How could you know she was in pain
She is not moving
They answered that her pulse was elevated
My pulse was elevated too
I thought
That does not mean I should be injected with poison
My world is about to crumble
I remind them that they promised
That they said as long as I was there
They would not do this to her
I was not gone long
I just wanted to shower
And change my clothes
They had said it was okay for me to leave
I had come right back
They insist I did not understand
Their original statement
I feel certain that I did
Why did you lie to me
I ask
Why did you give me false hope
I only said for now they said adamantly
As the needle goes into her flesh
And her life begins to slip away
They had given her something to sleep
But she was not restless
Before I left
Then they began to give her something for pain
But she was not in pain
We had been talking
Before I left
She had told me not to lose my faith
What had she known
That I had not
Now she was silent
I beg them to stop
But they will not
They are defiant
And I am desperate
They tell us to make sure to capture every moment on tape
I do not understand
She grows silent
There is one last sneeze which escapes her
I hope in vain
They walk into the room and say we need to leave
It is time we leave
We have been in there home all these hours
Taking pictures
It is a violation
They are trying to maintain a sense of order and balance
I am taking pictures of her
Of her life
And the things which defined her world
Why would that bother them
I again do not understand
They threaten to call the police
If we do not leave
I once again beg them to let me take her
They once again refuse
I tell them I can see they are exhausted
It has been too much
Let me help
I plead
But they insist we leave
I tell them if they let me take her
They can spend as much time as they like with her
That I would never force them to go
But they simply insist again that we leave
I am down on my hands and knees pleading
But to no avail
They tell us to leave her
And leave their home
We go into the blinding blizzard
I have never seen such a storm
The cars are barely moving
As we drive into the blackest of worlds
But it would not have mattered
If the sun had been shining
Still we would have been bathed in darkness
As we creep along the ice-covered highway
Making our way north
I feel the branding irons of sorrow
As they sear my flesh
Repeatedly
Soon she will leave us
And I will be left wondering
What I could have done differently
The wondering will never leave me
Late at night
I will lie awake and wonder
Why I felt I needed to shower
Or change my clothes
I will question every moment
And try to understand
But I will not understand
I will only feel with this sorrow
Now years later
In my own home
I turn off the Christmas lights
And make my way to bed
As the snow continues to fall
And I think about my New Year’s Resolution
To rid myself of sorrow
I will have to wait until I awake
For I go to bed still branded
And without understanding
As the howling snow covers my world
But at the very least
I want hope
Can truth bring me resolve
If truth leads to strength
Can it also lead to freedom
From this sorrow
Is it possible to leave my sorrow behind
His words come to me in the darkness
“The truth shall set you free”
The clock has not yet struck midnight
The sorrow still hangs heavy
But I make another resolution
I read His words again
And resolve instead to not lose my faith
And let Him deal with my sorrow.
~ Cristina Jill Mosqueda ~