Poet’s Corner

What Is Your New Year’s Resolution?

“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

~ John 8: 32 ~

It is that time of year,

When one is asked such things

As what will be your New Year resolution

The chatter begins

Some are quite certain of what they desire to achieve

Others give those grandiose answers that everyone

Including them

Know will forever be out of reach

And then there are the few who indeed have no idea

Of what they should resolve to accomplish in the coming year

As I listened to them speak

I mentally stepped away from the conversation

I knew how I wanted to answer

But did not see a path to resolving my resolution

Thus I ponder for a few minutes

Before I finally speak

I want to leave behind my sorrow

I say

There is no response

There are also no questions

Apparently no one wants to know what my sorrow is

So be it

You do not need to know or care

But voicing my desire feels empowering

Somehow the truth always leads to strength

The days pass

I keep thinking about my resolution

The one that seems to have no path to resolve

My sorrow grows heavier

And I feel more hopeless

But I continue marching forward

As that is who I am

And who I must be,

There must be path to saying goodbye to sorrow

The merriment of the moment has passed

I am alone with my thoughts

And as I stand at the door

Looking out

I see the world being bathed in snow


I tell myself

I shall think this beautiful

I am sure

But tonight the blinding snow carries me away

Back to the darkest night of my life

To the moment when sorrow was branded on my soul

And I remember . . .

It had been hours

which had turned into days

I kissed her and said I love you

I am going to go shower and change

But I will be back very soon

She told me okay


be safe

And hurry back

Then she told me that she loved me too

I remember and thank God

I got to hear those words one more time

I thank God I did not leave that night

Before she told me that she loved me

She was still there when I left

Still present

Still in my life

I cannot help but think these years later that

I should not have gone

I should have stayed

I should have known

That they were not telling me the truth

But why would I have suspected that of them

There had been questionable behavior

But somehow it was always explained away

Give them the benefit of the doubt

I tried

I too wanted peace

I knew she wanted peace

And I wanted to give her what she wanted

We drove quickly

And made our way back

Without delay

I never imagined the scene I saw

When I walked back into the room

She was silent

Almost as if she were no longer present

What had happened to her I asked

They both looked at me

Then at each other

What do you mean one or the other said

I said look at her

Why isn’t she waking up

Why will she not speak

She is tired they said

I did not understand

I still do not understand

I saw them with a syringe

I did not understand

As I began to feel more desperate

What are you doing I asked

They would not answer

As they dipped the needle into the vile of poison

What are you doing

I asked again

They answered that she was in pain

How could she be in pain

I asked

Look at her

How could you know she was in pain

She is not moving

They answered that her pulse was elevated

My pulse was elevated too

I thought

That does not mean I should be injected with poison

My world is about to crumble

I remind them that they promised

That they said as long as I was there

They would not do this to her

I was not gone long

I just wanted to shower

And change my clothes

They had said it was okay for me to leave

I had come right back

They insist I did not understand

Their original statement

I feel certain that I did

Why did you lie to me

I ask

Why did you give me false hope

I only said for now they said adamantly

As the needle goes into her flesh

And her life begins to slip away

They had given her something to sleep

But she was not restless

Before I left

Then they began to give her something for pain

But she was not in pain

We had been talking

Before I left

She had told me not to lose my faith

What had she known

That I had not

Now she was silent

I beg them to stop

But they will not

They are defiant

And I am desperate

They tell us to make sure to capture every moment on tape

I do not understand

She grows silent

There is one last sneeze which escapes her

I hope in vain

They walk into the room and say we need to leave

It is time we leave

We have been in there home all these hours

Taking pictures

It is a violation

They are trying to maintain a sense of order and balance

I am taking pictures of her

Of her life

And the things which defined her world

Why would that bother them

I again do not understand

They threaten to call the police

If we do not leave

I once again beg them to let me take her

They once again refuse

I tell them I can see they are exhausted

It has been too much

Let me help

I plead

But they insist we leave

I tell them if they let me take her

They can spend as much time as they like with her

That I would never force them to go

But they simply insist again that we leave

I am down on my hands and knees pleading

But to no avail

They tell us to leave her

And leave their home

We go into the blinding blizzard

I have never seen such a storm

The cars are barely moving

As we drive into the blackest of worlds

But it would not have mattered

If the sun had been shining

Still we would have been bathed in darkness

As we creep along the ice-covered highway

Making our way north

I feel the branding irons of sorrow

As they sear my flesh


Soon she will leave us

And I will be left wondering

What I could have done differently

The wondering will never leave me

Late at night

I will lie awake and wonder

Why I felt I needed to shower

Or change my clothes

I will question every moment

And try to understand

But I will not understand

I will only feel with this sorrow

Now years later

In my own home

I turn off the Christmas lights

And make my way to bed

As the snow continues to fall

And I think about my New Year’s Resolution

To rid myself of sorrow

I will have to wait until I awake

For I go to bed still branded

And without understanding

As the howling snow covers my world

But at the very least

I want hope

Can truth bring me resolve

If truth leads to strength

Can it also lead to freedom

From this sorrow

Is it possible to leave my sorrow behind

His words come to me in the darkness

“The truth shall set you free”

The clock has not yet struck midnight

The sorrow still hangs heavy

But I make another resolution

I read His words again

And resolve instead to not lose my faith

And let Him deal with my sorrow.

~ Cristina Jill Mosqueda ~

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